The letter I wrote to my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) who is currently a cadet from the Philippine National Police Academy. I wrote this letter a week before he went home for the semestral break last October 2015. We eventually separated during this month.
October 12, 2015
There is never a time or a place for love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment. This is what I realized after months that we’ve been together. I have never dreamed that I would love someone like you, a man who is extraordinary in his own ways. Growing up in a family-oriented and Catholic-molded home, I dreamed to have a husband who would love me despite my imperfections, has secure principles and values in life, and who would be successful in his own right so that his children would always look up to their father. From this, would it be you? Ikaw na ba si Mr. Right? Yet, I never wished that someone like you would come into my life, someone who is engaged in the field of public safety. I know that your future occupation requires you to always brave the distance from your loved ones and to risk your life for the sake of saving other people’s lives. To date, I still can’t believe that we were able to survive the six months of loneliness and the struggles we faced in our respective fields.
You came into my life at the unexpected time. I still laugh whenever I look back on the time we met while jogging at that place in 2012. I always turn back to that specific time where you approached me, but in my mind, I would really like to say to you, “Get lost! Or else?” That’s how cruel I am, in my mind (evil laugh). Well, meeting you three years ago was an unexpected one. You’re still a graduating college student who has big dreams in mind, while I was a neophyte freshman who just took the first step in college. Contrary to what I was about to say to you in my mind, I just talked to you in a humane way during that time you approached me. Diskarte pa more pre. Fast forward to Christmas of 2014, you just popped out of my consciousness. During those times, I still didn’t believe in you. Yes, I know that you would say during that time that I was just playing games. However, if you just know, I was just testing your sincerity towards me. It has never been easy to let someone in your life and be able to open one’s heart again with just a blink of an eye. Never! I was always praying to God to guide me in finding answers if it would be the right time and if ever I would let you in my life. Tsk! Binobola na naman ako ng lalakeng ito. I just have bitterness towards guys since I have several unpleasant experiences before which I took as valuable life-lessons. So I let time unfold and let a few months pass by. You still remembered that I cut my communication from you because I thought that you are a disturbance in my studies since I am a goal-oriented person who doesn’t allow anyone to hinder me in pursuing my dreams. Then, when you came home during the holy week, I didn’t know why I allowed you to pursue me again. I started to notice that there is something different in you. I started to know your dreams, your aspirations, and your simple you. You are different among all the guys I know. I felt some spark which started to emerge. I felt that you started to add colors in my life. I considered that one week as the longest time. I still remember every time you and I talk, make eye contact, or smile with each other especially during the prusisyon, Siete Palabras and during the mass, and still, until this day, I cherish every second that something like that magic happens. Nonetheless, it was an unfortunate one since the day I said my yes to you was also your last day before you would come back to the academy. The reason why I dejected you from communicating me prior to your summer break was because I have always thought that falling in love with you is a risk, a risk of getting hurt again, a risk of allowing someone to just hurt me easily, a risk that I would not be able to recover if ever my heart would be in pieces again, and overall, for me, it is you. You, yourself, you are a risky person, but there is a side in me saying that you are a worthwhile person to be with. I said to myself to give a chance to open my heart again after years of being cold. How would you be able to know if you would not take the risk, right? A week after that, I said to myself that I’m really a dumb person. After you barely communicated with me because of your summer training, in my mind, every minute that we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget every single moment of it. I started to miss you like it reached to a point where I felt like I am almost dying. My experience last summer was the lowest point of my life this year since I felt like I have a bipolar disorder. I really didn’t enjoy it and I never wanted to go back to that place again. Two months of summer break and two months of no classes equates to a two month of loneliness and schizophrenic mentality. I felt the need to go to the mental hospital. Just kidding, that’s just for exaggeration purposes, but yes, that’s how I compare to what I felt last summer. I have questioned your presence since it was my first time to be alone in a relationship where my other half is missing. I felt the need for companionship. When classes came, my normal mentality came back when you started to reach out to me again. Yet, during those times, I started to be impatient. I started to breakdown, cry at my own shoulder, and console my own self with my sad disposition since no one could understand our situation. I have felt that our relationship could not be deeply understood by other people since they haven’t been in our shoes. Yet, when I opened up to you, I started to trust you, to be more patient, and to cultivate a sense of understanding. Little by little, I started to develop my patience by enjoying every single moment while we are not together and to do my best in my studies as you are one of my sources of inspiration. I always seek to do my best in everything that I do, to never settle for less, and to pursue bigger dreams in the future so that I would become the best person for you. My friends often tell me that they are amazed on how I balance every aspect of my life, where I still manage to excel especially in the academics and at the same time, be involved in extra-curricular activities despite the busy schedule and perpetual deadlines of requirements and most of all, have a relationship, an unusual and extraordinary relationship with this special someone. I think that I was able to do it because of my discipline and will to focus first on the things that matter most and above all, the strength that I seek which God always gives to me each day in order to surpass the day-to-day challenges in my life.
I know that there are times I might annoy you with my endless messages in your chat box whenever I feel the need to share something to you, especially when a positive event happens in my life or whenever I feel down or whenever I miss you. I know you have noticed this especially during the summer since it is just a rare time that you are online on Facebook. I always look at your timeline to know what you’ve been with at that present moment. Yet, right now, I manage to minimize my lengthy messages. Well, it just depends (Pabebe laugh). I’m mostly thankful since you always lend an ear to listen during our phone conversations. Mostly, thank you for your continuous efforts since you always find time to communicate with me despite your rigorous physical and mental training there at the academy. It’s just right now in our relationship where I panic whenever there is a phone call since it might be you. Whenever it’s not you who is calling, it’s fine, but when it’s you, mygosh, kung alam mo lang, I always have this jittery feeling to answer it immediately. I really feel down, honestly, when I discover several missed calls from you because there might be other reasons I cannot answer your call, it might be that my phone is silent and I have classes or I am busy manning our stall for our feasibility studies. When I already go to sleep, I always have my cellphone beside my pillow or at the table beside my bed (not on my head since we know the dangers of radiation). Unlike before where I put my phone to silent mode whenever I would already sleep and I don’t mind who is going to call, right now, I never put my phone to silent mode during the night since I am hoping that maybe, during the middle of the night or in the early hours of dawn, I would be able to hear your voice. In my mind, even though you would interrupt my delightful sleeping hours after an exhausting day, hearing your voice would wipe the tiring activities I’ve experienced during the day. Moreover, despite the short time of our phone conversations and the few times that you call me during a month, I still appreciate every second of it and everything you say since I felt your care and love for me despite our distance. Nevertheless, there are still times that I over think in several situations. I sometimes think that you are engaged with other women at that place or in our place without my knowledge since we all know right now the power of communication would just be in the flick of our hands through social media. Yet, I just kept those things to myself since I don’t want to bother you with more problems and to disturb you with my fictitious and useless assumptions (hopefully) and maybe, I am just over thinking because I already miss you so bad. Yes, I truly and greatly admit that I always miss you especially during the lonely nights where silence is my companion. I always think of you during the nights. Kinikilig pa rin ako (heart heart!). During those nights, I just picture in my mind that months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds from now, I will be seeing you again. That’s how I deeply hold on to our relationship. I know that through all the things that we’ve been through during the past six months would be truly worth it.
After six months, six days from now (what a coincidence in the number), you would come home again. I know that you would eventually leave after some time to pursue your dream (long sigh), but then I still don’t mind that since what matters for me at this moment is the time that our eyes would meet again. I don’t know what would I react when I would already see you days from now. Would I have a teary-eye? Would I jump? Would I run to you and hug you? Or the better one, to punch your face because of making me feel like this. Joke! (I would not attempt to do that to anyone in real life) Nah! I don’t know what I would do. What’s sure is that it’s like the first time, but I felt that it would already be different. Different in a sense that despite the past six months that we haven’t been together physically, my love for you still continues to grow and to strengthen with each passing day. Amidst the trials we have experienced in our respective fields and how we faced such things, never came a time where I have lost the love that I have given to you last summer. Yes, there are times that I came to the lowest point in our relationship but I realized that it became a way for me to climb again to the top and to be a strong woman for you. The point where I was dipped to such challenges would be considered as my sources of strength. I am extremely thankful for the experience that I have in our relationship for the past six months since I was able to improve myself. I grew as a person, I was able to cherish your presence and through this, I would be able to treasure the time you will be giving to me whenever you would come home. I consider our love as an extraordinary one because I realized that this kind of love is only for those who are willing to sacrifice their loneliness, to be brave enough to take this risk, and to be absolutely strong for their other half. There might be a few guys here who attempt to capture my attention (haba ng hair dzai), but they can’t replace you in my heart. I know that this is just the beginning and there would still be a lot of forthcoming challenges that would come which would test our character as a person and the love we had in our relationship. For now, what matters for me is the present moment, the day I would be seeing you again after a half of the year.
From the bottom of my heart, I am thankful because of you. I thank God each day since I consider you as one of the greatest blessings and gifts He gave to my life. You are a rare person, just as rare as your name. Harley, thank you so much for the constant understanding and the patience. As a person, I always look up to you as you are an extraordinary man who sacrificed a part of his youth in order to pursue the path which is less traveled by everyone. I am proud to have you and to say to the world that he is my man. Time is still so long. There are still a lot of things that would unfold through time, and because of that time, there are still a lot of uncertainties. Yet, I always pray each day before I close my eyes to sleep that your guardian angel would always look after you there for the strength, knowledge, and wisdom in your training, that we would continue to hold on despite how hard our situation is, and hopefully, if God permits, that you would be the person that I would spend with at my sunset. I am excited to see you soon and eventually get to know you better through the future memories that we will be sharing. I am also excited to listen to your stories and to your experiences during the past months. I already have these butterflies swirling in my stomach. Just remember that I’ll continue to hold on as we journey in this unfamiliar road. The distance can hurt but I know that despite these things, our love would conquer those because this love we have will always bring us together. See you soon then.