The Day When I Would Hold My Head Up High

I felt that you were the best thing that happened to me. I believed that you are a one of a kind man who is very different among the others. You have been educated in a prestigious institution where the cream of the nation’s finest were chosen. Only a few noble and valiant men are picked to be there. When you unexpectedly came, you immediately distracted me in the nicest way possible. I thought that maybe through the emptiness that I felt, you would be able to fill the unoccupied spaces of my life. I allowed you to break the walls I’ve built through the years and let my guard down. I let you unfold what is inside my heart and my mind. At first, it was scary. It scares me that falling in love with you would make me hurt myself again. Yet, I took the leap of faith. Even though I know that this would make my life a messy one, I still let you in my heart. I thought that there’s something beautiful out of this messy life I am about to enter.

I still remembered when I was desolated because we are separated by space for half a year. It was a crucial moment during my last year in college. I started to build walls, not to you, but from other people especially from my friends. I let myself encapsulated in your comfort. I built a cave for us which I considered as my home. In this home, I began to drink the potion which I never thought would contribute to a very detrimental sickness that would not only affect my heart but the entirety of my core. I continued to hold on in this home.

Time flies. You have been treating me well. However, I sensed that the warmth of our fire started to be colder. When you felt that I dislike kissing you, holding you, and doing similar things that are contrary to my Roman Catholic beliefs and principles, you started to take a step back until I felt that you were already lost out of my sight. We have the same religion, but how come you did not respect me when in fact your family has been serving fervently in our Church? That’s when I began to believe that there are really snakes that are hiding, even in the church.

I took a step back to see if you would still make an effort to ignite the warmth we felt since you came in my life. I was about to give you another chance when I discovered that you have stabbed my heart without my awareness. You cheated behind my back. They say that it’s better if you won’t know that someone wrongfully treated you because you would only get hurt. Yet, I believed that it’s better that I knew it earlier. As I started to sink that fact within my consciousness, the side effects of that potion started to emerge. I vomit as I cannot stomach the situation. I know that he is very harmful to my being, but I still allowed the possibility of him becoming my home again. There’s an addiction about this poison which I thought before was a beautiful potion. Yet, I realized that through this thinking, I persistently cried because the knife did not only stab my heart. It also slashed my veins causing me to continuously bleed. Through this cruelty he did to me, I began to discover my darkest side and my greatest flaws. I’ve never felt insecure as before. I began to sell myself short as my security before, which came from him, was already gone. As a result of this tragedy, I began to be lifeless. I realized how in the world did fell with the wrong one, AGAIN. Was I drunk during the entire relationship? I was a human being living in a dead and bloodless body.

I decided to move on during the day when the Lord Jesus Christ resurrected from the dead. I began to recover myself with the comfort of my family, friends, and the community. I decided to move on because I wanted be happy. Moving on takes time. It takes time to heal those wounds and to make yourself whole again. I then began to discover the true potion and healer of this brokenness and that is Him, Jesus Christ. I found Him through the things I encounter everyday. I continuously seek God in all things.

Now, these wounds are already healed. As I watched these scars, I would forgive the person who did this but I would never forget its previous repercussions. I believed that forgiving is enough, but forgetting is impossible because it has been seared in our memories. This serves as a lesson for me which I would be able to use in the future.

Through the brokenness I went through, I believed that it is a silver lining for greater opportunities as I finished my college education. Without the pain, I won’t be able to go back to who I was before he came into my life. I eventually remembered my old self who has big dreams and goals to reach for the scintillating star. However, even though I went back to my deep-rooted core, I am not the same soul I once was. I became a resilient and stronger woman.

To you false lover, one day, when we would cross our paths again, you shouldn’t expect out of me what I embodied in the past for that part of me no longer exists. Don’t be mad. I am just standing and walking taller as I hold my head up high so that my crown won’t fall off.

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